Saturday, March 06, 2010

Asshole Of The Century: Benjamin L Palzer

Yes all of you bitches, Floyd returns. Floyd was notified from his friend in Bourbonnais, Illinois that the asshole of the century lurks about. His name is Benjamin L. Palzer and he apparently likes little boys. While Floyd cannot confirm the validity of this report, it was sent to him from concerned citizens in the area and thus needs to be posted to the internet. The statement:

"Floyd, I wanted to tell you what is happening here in our little corner of the world in Bourbonnais, Illinois. Benjamin L. Palzer, a known pedophile, has been seeking sex for money from school children. He is known to have terrible breath, and frequents the local schoolyards searching for boys. For some reason, no arrests have been made. Pass this along to your friends and let them know that child molestors like Benjamin L. Palzer cannot be tolerated in Bourbonnais."
Floyd's calls to the local media have not yet been returned, but rest assured that Floyd will investigate and get to the bottom of these allegations of the child molestor known as Benjamin L. Palzer. His Facebook image is shown so you can be on the lookout for his suspicious behavior.

Thursday, December 25, 2008

Floyd's Christmas

‘Twas the night before Christmas and all through the apartment

All the bastard children were preparing for disappointment

Security bars on the windows were affixed with care

To prevent a break-in, Saint Nicholas wouldn’t fucking dare

The little fuckers were nestled all snug in their cots

While the gangrene in their toes continued to rot

And mamma with her Beretta and I with my Glock

Just took off our clothes so she could polish my cock

When out in the lot there arose such a clatter

I loaded my Glock in hopes of a splatter

Away to the window, I ducked for cover

It better not be mamma’s bitch-ass lover

The security lights on the trampled dirty snow

Would give blood splatters a neon-like glow

When what to my bloodshot eyes should appear

Fucking cops

The fattest one all lumpy and gross

The doughnut shop’s Christmas party, he must have been host

Lethargic as hell and worthless as fuck

He didn’t bother to chase anyone stealing my truck.

“Now hold it right there, don’t make a move”

“I’ll shoot your ass, don’t make me prove”

Like that would work, sure! They ran like hell

Fatty just sighed and said “oh well”

But while he was fucking around with the crooks

Old Saint Nick was baiting his hooks

So up to the rooftop he did scale

With all of his tools and covering his trail

And then all the sudden I heard at my door

“Delivery, sir. From the first floor”

Picture courtesy of Jege

As I drew my gat and was turning around

Down came my door with a thunderous sound

He was dressed all in fur from an animal’s hide

And he was hard to shoot, moving side to side

A bundle of loot he had flung on his back

From earlier thefts he stuffed in his sack

His eyes were bloodshot from a night of drinking

His breath was like dogshit, some serious stinking

His droll little mouth was dripping with drool

And the beard of his chin was the color of my stool

The glass of the crackpipe he held in his teeth

Was as green as my fake-ass Wal-Mart wreath

He had a drawn face and a saggy belly

He was nasty, worthless, stanky and smelly

A twitch of his eye and a twist of his head

Let me know I should shoot his ass dead

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work

Stealing my shit, what a fucking jerk

After snorting some coke right up his nose

Something in his pants arose

He ran to the door with all my shit

So I shot him in the face.

Merry fucking Christmas, bitches

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Today's Fuck

* Whatever dumbfuck programmed Chess Titans:

What in the bloody fuck? This is motherfucking checkmate, not a draw. Fucking assholes!

Monday, June 02, 2008

Fuck You, You Fucking Fuck


"You All Suck, Fuckers"

Floyd tires of repeatedly reminding all of you just how much ass you suck. While Floyd sits here creating mountains of excellence, you all just sit around and thumb-fuck yourselves. Feel like taking on the master? Just email Floyd and you will be guaranteed a response: Floyd still does not allow anonymous comments because a pussy little bitch complained about it. Floyd's thought of the update: ever consider taking a shower once in a while? You stink like ass. Salvation can always be found in Floyd's established lists:
Suck it up, fuckers.

* Every last motherfucker involved with this bullshit: Floyd is sick and fucking tired of all you douchebags. The only vote cast that will be worth a shit is one cast for Floyd. Otherwise, eat shit and die, fuckers.

* Floyd's Useless Readers: Here's a little puzzle for all of you dumb fucks. Find the word that best describes your pathetic existence. Once complete, Floyd cordially invites you to cram it up your funhole.

*Jege: What can Floyd say? This chick rocks. It's been a while since Floyd paid tribute. So there!

*Ban Ki-Douche: The head of the U.N. says that genocide in Darfur is because of global warming. Floyd would have lost respect for the U.N. if he had any to begin with. Hey, douchebag: shouldn't you be singing "Ploud Lally" at Karaoke somewhere? Eat a booger, fuckface.

* Pussy Faggot Journalists: What a fucking douchebag. Some dipshit fuckup zipperhead shoots up a college and this twat immediately says we should turn in our guns. Hey, fuckface! You know what would have saved lives at Virginia Tech? All the victims packing heat. Cry Floyd a river about the time you were held up at gunpoint, but Floyd guarantees that mugger wouldn't have come near you if he knew you were strapped.

* Chicks With Small Hands: They make Floyd's cock look bigger.

* War Protesters: All you fucking pussies need to get a job. And take a shower for fuck sake!

* Grandpa Munster: Eddie Van Halen is looking fucking fabulous! Off to rehab again. Floyd has a little clue for Mr. Van Douchebag: there is nothing rehab can do to cure being an asshole.

* Environmentals: Overmedicated, overpaid, overpublicized, undereducated. Floyd needs to take a crap now.

* Millions Of Dollars From Foreigners: Floyd gets at least three emails per day informing him of the countless millions he has either just won or is available from some fucked up country for the taking. Get bent, fuckers. Floyd doesn't need your bullshit.

* Spoiled Brats Who Think Everything Is About Them: And you know who you are. Get over yourself. Contrary to your opinion, the fucking world does not revolve around you.

* Subway: "Eat Fresh"? Who the fuck is this assrammer trying to fool? That crap has been stewing in those petrie dishes for fucking weeks, not to mention the pimply-faced degenerates that wipe their asses with their bare hands before making your overpriced lunchmeat sandwich. If making your food in front of you counts as "fresh", Floyd will be happy to serve a turd on a bun for you. Hey, it's Fresh! Jared swallows cum.

* Thanksgiving: If the Indians would have killed a cat instead of a turkey, we all would be eating pussy for Thanksgiving.

* Direct TV: For the love of Christ, stop running this fucking ad!

* Nancy Pelosi: Fuck this bitch.

* Ebay: This is an actual sponsored link Floyd found while searching Google. Floyd ponders how much this cost them and how much assholes are going for on Ebay these days.

* This is just funny: It's funny enough to see booger-eaters in peril, but to Photoshop in the cat is just priceless.

* Mike Tyson: The 40 year old criminal and douchebag has announced he will fight a woman. When Andy Kaufman did it, it was funny. This is just fucking sad.

* New Words: Floyd would like to thank Alexis for supplying the word "slunt" to his vocabulary. The combination of slut and cunt is just what Floyd has been lacking for description of some folks.

* Those wacky, nutty Muslims: The pope quotes some book about a 14th century Byzantine emperor's views on Islam and jihad, and Muslims go fucking nuts. Reportedly, Muslims around the world are "deeply disturbed" and feeling "hurt and anguish" over the pope quoting from a book. What the fuck? "Anyone who describes Islam as a religion as intolerant encourages violence," Foreign Ministry spokeswoman Tasnim Aslam said. Is it just Floyd, or are these fuckers just plain nuts?

Friday, December 28, 2007

Floyd's Man of the Year 2007

Floyd, of course!

What can Floyd say? Everyone sucks but Floyd.

Friday, February 09, 2007

A Message From Floyd

Floyd's readers have a general case of sloth. So, for those who have forgotten that it is their duty to leave hate mail, Floyd cordially invites you to enjoy a large cup of fuck off.

Sunday, December 24, 2006

Floyd's Man of the Year 2006

Donald "My Nice Fat Little Rosie" Trump

Gotta love it when Trump calls Rosie O'Donnell a fat slob. Floyd salutes you. Nice ariola on your chick, buddy!

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

Missing Contributions

***UPDATE: Jege is now officially out of the shithouse. The others are cordially invited to shampoo Floyd's taint. A Jege preview:

What the bloody fuck is going on? Book submissions are still missing from Jim Voigt, Jege, the Rouge Jew and the Watermelon Douche (yes, that fucker is still around). Floyd cordially invites these fuckfaces to lick a tampon. More previews from Darth Clinton and Toxic Twat:

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

Wake Up, Fuckers! Book Preview

At long last, some of you spunkmonkeys have submitted publishable work to Floyd. All Floyd has to say is: it's about fucking time! Some of the shit Floyd got was used as toilet paper. It gave Floyd a rash. More news and previews to come. In the meantime, look at these acceptable submissions:

Courtesy of Toxic Twat:

Courtesy of Darth Clinton:

Got it now, bitches? Get to fucking work already!

Monday, August 14, 2006

Book Time, Fuckers

If a faggot pirate can do it, why not Floyd? Much of the contents of this site, plus never before seen material, hate mail and otherwise brilliant commentary will find itself within the contents of a nice hard cover book. Floyd will keep you fuckers updated with the progress.

Once again, Floyd extends an invitation to any and all of you fuckfaces to participate in this thing. Suggestions are fine, photos and artwork are better. One lucky fuckface out there will be chosen to write the Foreword. Read the site and write your worst. Send your submission to in any normal Windows text file or feel free to submit it here in the comments.

Floyd also cordially reminds you that your ass called and it wants your head back.

***Update, fuckers:

Floyd had no idea how much you all sucked until he suggested that you send your submissions for the book Foreword. Absolute tripe. Scott Duster has submitted the front-running entry and it seems doubtful that any of you assrammers will be able to do any better. Eat shit.

***Another update, douchebags:

Kudos to Scott Duster, Anne R. Key, Toxic Twat and Darth Clinton. All have submitted work that will go to print. Keep those cards and letters coming, fuckfaces.

Saturday, July 15, 2006

16 Fucking Assholes

Amendment Number: S.Amdt. 4615 to H.R. 5441 (Department of Homeland Security Appropriations Act, 2007 )

Statement of Purpose: To prohibit the confiscation of a firearm during an emergency or major disaster if the possession of such firearm is not prohibited under Federal or State law.

In other words, fuckers, it means we had to actually amend the law in order to keep the police from taking away our legally owned firearms in case of emergency. What the ever-loving-fuck? Isn't the whole idea of being a legal owner of a firearm to HAVE A FUCKING GUN WHEN THERE IS AN EMERGENCY?

Well, 16 fucking assholes in our Senate thought that's a bad idea. These oozing cornholes think it's better for us to be completely helpless in times of emergency. Gaze and vomit upon the 16 people who should be fired:

* Senator Akaka (D-HI) : Don Fucking Ho!!!

* Senator Boxer (D-CA) : Floyd wouldn't fuck her with your dick.

* Senator Clinton (D-NY) : Demonstrating how she made a name for herself in politics and business.

* Senator Dodd (D-CT): He's a wild and crazy guy...

* Senator Durbin (D-IL): They don't call him Dick for nothing.

* Senator Feinstein (D-CA): Heil, bitch.

* Senator Harkin (D-IA): Hey! Look at me hanging out with the black guy! I'm progressive for Iowa! Douche.

* Senator Inouye (D-HI): Fucking infiltrator.

* Senator Kennedy (D-MA): Anyone seen my hiccup car? Fuck, I was with a hot bitch too!

* Senator Lautenberg (D-NJ): A person enthusiastic about war, provided someone else fights it.

* Senator Levin (D-MI): Someone give Carl a candy bar and maybe he'll go sit down and shut the fuck up.

* Senator Menendez (D-NJ): It's just like dear old Grandpappy used to say to Floyd: when it comes to guns, trust a Menendez.

* Senator Mikulski (D-MD): No fucking shit - it's the lunch lady!

* Senator Reed (D-RI): Seriously, can you even find Rhode Island on a map?

* Senator Sarbanes (D-MD): Twat.

* Senator Schumer (D-NY): Nice hat, fuckface.

Monday, June 26, 2006

Tell A Pirate How Gay He Is

Once upon a time there was an online writer that wrote some funny shit. He was gay as fuck because he modeled his image after a pirate, but funny cock-smokers are still funny. Then, the pussy little bitch had someone convince him he could write a shitty book that nobody would buy. Now, the turd-burglar posts nothing but garbage and proves that his talent only truly lies in how flaming he is.

His (her) site:

Examples of how gay pirates are:

**UPDATE** No shit: right on

So, 56% of customers feel so insanely gay after looking at this pole-polisher's book that they purchase an Oprah's Book Club book.

* A Google search on "gay pirate" yields over 17,000 results, while "masculine pirate" yields only 47 results.

* Google also finds 161 results for "faggot pirate", but "hetero pirate" yields only 16.

* Look at this bitch's 3 city book signing tour. Fucker missed San Francisco.

Pirates smoke the cock. Always has been, always will be.