Floyd's Christmas

‘Twas the night before Christmas and all through the apartment

All the bastard children were preparing for disappointment

Security bars on the windows were affixed with care

To prevent a break-in, Saint Nicholas wouldn’t fucking dare

The little fuckers were nestled all snug in their cots

While the gangrene in their toes continued to rot

And mamma with her Beretta and I with my Glock

Just took off our clothes so she could polish my cock

When out in the lot there arose such a clatter

I loaded my Glock in hopes of a splatter

Away to the window, I ducked for cover

It better not be mamma’s bitch-ass lover

The security lights on the trampled dirty snow

Would give blood splatters a neon-like glow

When what to my bloodshot eyes should appear

Fucking cops

The fattest one all lumpy and gross

The doughnut shop’s Christmas party, he must have been host

Lethargic as hell and worthless as fuck

He didn’t bother to chase anyone stealing my truck.

“Now hold it right there, don’t make a move”

“I’ll shoot your ass, don’t make me prove”

Like that would work, sure! They ran like hell

Fatty just sighed and said “oh well”

But while he was fucking around with the crooks

Old Saint Nick was baiting his hooks

So up to the rooftop he did scale

With all of his tools and covering his trail

And then all the sudden I heard at my door

“Delivery, sir. From the first floor”

Picture courtesy of Jege

As I drew my gat and was turning around

Down came my door with a thunderous sound

He was dressed all in fur from an animal’s hide

And he was hard to shoot, moving side to side

A bundle of loot he had flung on his back

From earlier thefts he stuffed in his sack

His eyes were bloodshot from a night of drinking

His breath was like dogshit, some serious stinking

His droll little mouth was dripping with drool

And the beard of his chin was the color of my stool

The glass of the crackpipe he held in his teeth

Was as green as my fake-ass Wal-Mart wreath

He had a drawn face and a saggy belly

He was nasty, worthless, stanky and smelly

A twitch of his eye and a twist of his head

Let me know I should shoot his ass dead

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work

Stealing my shit, what a fucking jerk

After snorting some coke right up his nose

Something in his pants arose

He ran to the door with all my shit

So I shot him in the face.

Merry fucking Christmas, bitches

Today's Fuck

* Whatever dumbfuck programmed Chess Titans:

What in the bloody fuck? This is motherfucking checkmate, not a draw. Fucking assholes!

Fuck You, You Fucking Fuck

*** WARNING: NUDITY AND FUCK WORDS FOLLOW ***

"You All Suck, Fuckers"

Floyd tires of repeatedly reminding all of you just how much ass you suck. While Floyd sits here creating mountains of excellence, you all just sit around and thumb-fuck yourselves. Feel like taking on the master? Just email Floyd and you will be guaranteed a response: floydslists@hotmail.com. Floyd still does not allow anonymous comments because a pussy little bitch complained about it. Floyd's thought of the update: ever consider taking a shower once in a while? You stink like ass. Salvation can always be found in Floyd's established lists:

• Specific Assholes



• Suck-Ass Shit



• Sick Fucks



• People Who Don't Suck



• Hate Mail Archives Volume One



• Hate Mail Archives Volume Two



• Hate Mail Archives Volume Three

Suck it up, fuckers.

* Every last motherfucker involved with this bullshit: Floyd is sick and fucking tired of all you douchebags. The only vote cast that will be worth a shit is one cast for Floyd. Otherwise, eat shit and die, fuckers.




* Floyd's Useless Readers: Here's a little puzzle for all of you dumb fucks. Find the word that best describes your pathetic existence. Once complete, Floyd cordially invites you to cram it up your funhole.




*Jege: What can Floyd say? This chick rocks. It's been a while since Floyd paid tribute. So there!









*Ban Ki-Douche: The head of the U.N. says that genocide in Darfur is because of global warming. Floyd would have lost respect for the U.N. if he had any to begin with. Hey, douchebag: shouldn't you be singing "Ploud Lally" at Karaoke somewhere? Eat a booger, fuckface.







* Pussy Faggot Journalists: What a fucking douchebag. Some dipshit fuckup zipperhead shoots up a college and this twat immediately says we should turn in our guns. Hey, fuckface! You know what would have saved lives at Virginia Tech? All the victims packing heat. Cry Floyd a river about the time you were held up at gunpoint, but Floyd guarantees that mugger wouldn't have come near you if he knew you were strapped.


* Chicks With Small Hands: They make Floyd's cock look bigger.











* War Protesters: All you fucking pussies need to get a job. And take a shower for fuck sake!










* Grandpa Munster: Eddie Van Halen is looking fucking fabulous! Off to rehab again. Floyd has a little clue for Mr. Van Douchebag: there is nothing rehab can do to cure being an asshole.








* Environmentals: Overmedicated, overpaid, overpublicized, undereducated. Floyd needs to take a crap now.







* Millions Of Dollars From Foreigners: Floyd gets at least three emails per day informing him of the countless millions he has either just won or is available from some fucked up country for the taking. Get bent, fuckers. Floyd doesn't need your bullshit.





* Spoiled Brats Who Think Everything Is About Them: And you know who you are. Get over yourself. Contrary to your opinion, the fucking world does not revolve around you.




* Subway: "Eat Fresh"? Who the fuck is this assrammer trying to fool? That crap has been stewing in those petrie dishes for fucking weeks, not to mention the pimply-faced degenerates that wipe their asses with their bare hands before making your overpriced lunchmeat sandwich. If making your food in front of you counts as "fresh", Floyd will be happy to serve a turd on a bun for you. Hey, it's Fresh! Jared swallows cum.

* Thanksgiving: If the Indians would have killed a cat instead of a turkey, we all would be eating pussy for Thanksgiving.

* Direct TV: For the love of Christ, stop running this fucking ad!

* Nancy Pelosi: Fuck this bitch.









* Ebay: This is an actual sponsored link Floyd found while searching Google. Floyd ponders how much this cost them and how much assholes are going for on Ebay these days.

* This is just funny: It's funny enough to see booger-eaters in peril, but to Photoshop in the cat is just priceless.

* Mike Tyson: The 40 year old criminal and douchebag has announced he will fight a woman. When Andy Kaufman did it, it was funny. This is just fucking sad.

* New Words: Floyd would like to thank Alexis for supplying the word "slunt" to his vocabulary. The combination of slut and cunt is just what Floyd has been lacking for description of some folks.

* Those wacky, nutty Muslims: The pope quotes some book about a 14th century Byzantine emperor's views on Islam and jihad, and Muslims go fucking nuts. Reportedly, Muslims around the world are "deeply disturbed" and feeling "hurt and anguish" over the pope quoting from a book. What the fuck? "Anyone who describes Islam as a religion as intolerant encourages violence," Foreign Ministry spokeswoman Tasnim Aslam said. Is it just Floyd, or are these fuckers just plain nuts?

Floyd's Man of the Year 2007

Floyd, of course!

What can Floyd say? Everyone sucks but Floyd.

A Message From Floyd

Floyd's readers have a general case of sloth. So, for those who have forgotten that it is their duty to leave hate mail, Floyd cordially invites you to enjoy a large cup of fuck off.

Floyd's Man of the Year 2006

Donald "My Nice Fat Little Rosie" Trump

Gotta love it when Trump calls Rosie O'Donnell a fat slob. Floyd salutes you. Nice ariola on your chick, buddy!

Missing Contributions

***UPDATE: Jege is now officially out of the shithouse. The others are cordially invited to shampoo Floyd's taint. A Jege preview:


What the bloody fuck is going on? Book submissions are still missing from Jim Voigt, Jege, the Rouge Jew and the Watermelon Douche (yes, that fucker is still around). Floyd cordially invites these fuckfaces to lick a tampon. More previews from Darth Clinton and Toxic Twat:

Wake Up, Fuckers! Book Preview

At long last, some of you spunkmonkeys have submitted publishable work to Floyd. All Floyd has to say is: it's about fucking time! Some of the shit Floyd got was used as toilet paper. It gave Floyd a rash. More news and previews to come. In the meantime, look at these acceptable submissions:

Courtesy of Toxic Twat:

Courtesy of Darth Clinton:

Got it now, bitches? Get to fucking work already!

Book Time, Fuckers

If a faggot pirate can do it, why not Floyd? Much of the contents of this site, plus never before seen material, hate mail and otherwise brilliant commentary will find itself within the contents of a nice hard cover book. Floyd will keep you fuckers updated with the progress.

Once again, Floyd extends an invitation to any and all of you fuckfaces to participate in this thing. Suggestions are fine, photos and artwork are better. One lucky fuckface out there will be chosen to write the Foreword. Read the site and write your worst. Send your submission to floydslists@hotmail.com in any normal Windows text file or feel free to submit it here in the comments.

Floyd also cordially reminds you that your ass called and it wants your head back.

***Update, fuckers:

Floyd had no idea how much you all sucked until he suggested that you send your submissions for the book Foreword. Absolute tripe. Scott Duster has submitted the front-running entry and it seems doubtful that any of you assrammers will be able to do any better. Eat shit.

***Another update, douchebags:

Kudos to Scott Duster, Anne R. Key, Toxic Twat and Darth Clinton. All have submitted work that will go to print. Keep those cards and letters coming, fuckfaces.

16 Fucking Assholes

Amendment Number: S.Amdt. 4615 to H.R. 5441 (Department of Homeland Security Appropriations Act, 2007 )

Statement of Purpose: To prohibit the confiscation of a firearm during an emergency or major disaster if the possession of such firearm is not prohibited under Federal or State law.

In other words, fuckers, it means we had to actually amend the law in order to keep the police from taking away our legally owned firearms in case of emergency. What the ever-loving-fuck? Isn't the whole idea of being a legal owner of a firearm to HAVE A FUCKING GUN WHEN THERE IS AN EMERGENCY?

Well, 16 fucking assholes in our Senate thought that's a bad idea. These oozing cornholes think it's better for us to be completely helpless in times of emergency. Gaze and vomit upon the 16 people who should be fired:

* Senator Akaka (D-HI) : Don Fucking Ho!!!











* Senator Boxer (D-CA) : Floyd wouldn't fuck her with your dick.











* Senator Clinton (D-NY) : Demonstrating how she made a name for herself in politics and business.









* Senator Dodd (D-CT): He's a wild and crazy guy...














* Senator Durbin (D-IL): They don't call him Dick for nothing.






* Senator Feinstein (D-CA): Heil, bitch.












* Senator Harkin (D-IA): Hey! Look at me hanging out with the black guy! I'm progressive for Iowa! Douche.










* Senator Inouye (D-HI): Fucking infiltrator.







* Senator Kennedy (D-MA): Anyone seen my hiccup car? Fuck, I was with a hot bitch too!











* Senator Lautenberg (D-NJ): A person enthusiastic about war, provided someone else fights it.










* Senator Levin (D-MI): Someone give Carl a candy bar and maybe he'll go sit down and shut the fuck up.








* Senator Menendez (D-NJ): It's just like dear old Grandpappy used to say to Floyd: when it comes to guns, trust a Menendez.










* Senator Mikulski (D-MD): No fucking shit - it's the lunch lady!











* Senator Reed (D-RI): Seriously, can you even find Rhode Island on a map?








* Senator Sarbanes (D-MD): Twat.












* Senator Schumer (D-NY): Nice hat, fuckface.

Tell A Pirate How Gay He Is

Once upon a time there was an online writer that wrote some funny shit. He was gay as fuck because he modeled his image after a pirate, but funny cock-smokers are still funny. Then, the pussy little bitch had someone convince him he could write a shitty book that nobody would buy. Now, the turd-burglar posts nothing but garbage and proves that his talent only truly lies in how flaming he is.

His (her) site: http://maddox.xmission.com/

Examples of how gay pirates are:

**UPDATE** No shit: right on Amazon.com:

So, 56% of customers feel so insanely gay after looking at this pole-polisher's book that they purchase an Oprah's Book Club book.

* A Google search on "gay pirate" yields over 17,000 results, while "masculine pirate" yields only 47 results.














* Google also finds 161 results for "faggot pirate", but "hetero pirate" yields only 16.














* Look at this bitch's 3 city book signing tour. Fucker missed San Francisco.














Pirates smoke the cock. Always has been, always will be.

Eat Floyd's Ass

This used to be the spot for a best insult contest. Now it is a place where only Floyd, Jege and Anne can let loose. All other comments will be deleted.

Fuck you, you fucking fucks

Hate Mail Archives 3

Here's some leftovers for you to munch on after you're done eating Floyd's asshole.

* HBO: Seriously, Floyd only needed to see The Chronicles of Riddick once. Please, for fuck sake, stop running this filth.

* Marriott: What the fuck inspires a chain of hotels to eliminate smoking rooms altogether? Scud missile time.

* Flag Burners: Floyd supports your right to burn the United States flag so long as you support Floyd's right to kick the ever loving shit out of you when you do.

* 16 Fucking Assholes: Click here, fuckers

* Hezbollah: Floyd's got something for you diaperheads. Floyd thinks it's time for us to stop being pussies and mushroom these assclowns.

* Bostonians: The dumbest of fucks. $14.6 billion for a fucking tunnel, let alone one that's all fucked up. Floyd laments how retarded (pronounced re-tah-did if you're a dumbfuck Bostonian) an entire city can be. Collect up all of these morons, put them in the fucking tunnel and let it collapse. Time to thin the herd.

* Syd Barrett: Floyd bids a fond farewell to Pink Floyd co-founder, dead at 60. Shine on.

* Floyd: Floyd still kicks the shit out of all you asscrammers. Try and create anything close to this, fuckers.

* Scott Duster: Floyd laments that a certain assrammer cried like a fucking pussy that his listing was being moved. This regardless of him never updating his crappy site Duster the Motherfucker or even showing a hint of being a man in the carnal sense.

* Your Daughter's Virginity: She begged Floyd to take it from her. Don't worry, Floyd gave her something in return - down her throat.

* Panhandling Bongo-Playing Dirty Hippie Fucks: No description necessary.

* Skateboarders: Get a life, fucking faggots.

* Robosaurus: 40 foot tall, fire-breathing, car eating machine. Every fucking household should have one. Yes, that's an actual car in its claws.

* Boreback Mountain: One of Floyd's bitches talked him into watching this filth. Even the gay porn scenes were fucking boring. Ever watch paint dry or snails fuck? Riveting as compared to this monkey shit.

* JoeCartoon.com: This is some funny shit! Most memorable quotes: "I was frequently shaved against my will by Michael Jackson's monkey", "Mickey Mouse is an Uncle Tom living in a white man's castle while we stand oppressed", and "Janet Reno is the fire that ignites my loins". Fuck yeah.

* Lesbian Porn: Floyd recently reviewed his lists in full and laments the glaring lack of lesbian pornography. Consider this situation rectified.

* More Lesbian Porn: Because Floyd can.

* Funny Cartoons: As always, it's about the comedy.

* Hate Mailers: Not nearly enough brave souls lately! It makes Floyd's rectum itchy. Get off your asses and spread some hate, fuckers!

* Drunk Chicks: Just for the record, "dónde está el baño" does not mean "bend over backwards", but thanks for playing...

* Blogger, The Domain: While free, this system still sucks the big fat one.

* Midget Beers: What fucking douchebag thought this up? Floyd wants larger beers, not smaller. Fuck! Floyd doesn't speak Spanish, so he had no idea he was buying midget beers until it was too fucking late. Crotch crickets!

Don Julio: Fucking asshole! Floyd's head hurts...

Floyd's Useless Fuckstain Readers: No more contests for you.

* Ben: The ass-fucker broke Floyd's nose! It was worth every bit of it.

Hate Mail Archives 2

Blogger is being a bitch. These listings will go where they belong another night.

* Canadians: Koooo-koo-koo-koo-koo-koo-kooo-kooo. Floyd has been watching his asshole brother spar with these people, and is convinced that Canadians have common sense. They seem to detest him as Floyd does. Perhaps Floyd will consider a bungalow in Quebec.


Toxic Twat: The disasterous vulva was recently wishing for a Golden Twat sticker to give to some of her more creative commentors. Your wish is Floyd's pleasure.
http://satanscrotchlessknickers.blogspot.com/

* The Golden Twat Award: Coveted. Floyd has 10 of them...





* Jack In The Box: The Ultimate Cheeseburger is quite possibly the most complete food on the planet. Floyd thinks they might put crack in this greasy motherfucker because he just can't seem to get enough of them.

Hate Mail Archives 1

Here's the first batch of hate mail from all of you fuckers. Feel free to suck on Floyd's ballsack while you remember the old days.

Floyd's Man of the Year 2005

Phil "Fuck You, You Fucking Fuck" Garner

It's the World Series. It's the fifth inning. You're so mad you might piss yourself. National television cameras are on you during your fit of rage. What would YOU want the world to watch you say? If you're like Floyd, you would want to be seen screaming "fuck you, you fucking fuck". Garner gets unconditional listing on Floyd's People Who Kick So Much Ass list for this little gem tonight.

Specifically, People Who Are Assholes

* Floyd: Yeah, sure, fine. Floyd is an asshole, Floyd should be ashamed, Floyd should shower more, etc.










*A.L.R.: She's still getting top billing under Floyd. She finally contacted Floyd and her suggestion was Floyd. Some people apparently can't read. Here is her hate mail:

Hey there, Floyd, you sick son of a bastard. This is A.L.H., and I've just gotten home from a long day of pissing in the middle of the street. It makes me want to drink beer. YAY BEER!! Listen, I've got someone you can add to your Asshole List. His name is Floyd. He's a short, fat, white, married (read: whipped) guy. He has this crazy idea that it's okay to let you post a picture of my road-pissing at the top of your asshole list, and I suggest that you give him top billing for a while. This man is fucking insane. If he weren't one of my best friends, I'd do everything in my power to have this saber-tooth crotch cricket institutionalized. God knows Floyd's wife could use a break! And, by the way, there's nothing wrong with squatting in the middle of a highly traveled roadway. You should try it some time. It's highly underrated. Now, take me off of your fucking assholes list! I expect to be promoted to the PEOPLE WHO DON'T SUCK list immediately. You do realize, don't you, that I am taking time out of my busy wedding-planning schedule (8 days and counting!!) to submit this nomination. I suggest you honor my wishes and do as I say, or there will be hell to pay, my friend. Sincerely, Road-Pissing A.L.H. (soon to be A.L.R. - and it's not fair that you have my husband-to-be on the people who don't suck list, and I'm stuck up there with all of the bungee-jumping twat monsters like John Kerry. I demand RESPECT, dammit!!!)

* George W. Bush: That’s right, fuckers. And Floyd isn't kidding either. After the horrific display from the left following the 2000 election, you would think this asshole might get a clue that a competent PR guy can do wonders with your public image, AND YOU’RE GOING TO NEED ALL THE HELP YOU CAN GET! Wake the fuck up, already!





* Tedward Kennedy: Total and complete douchebag slimey fuck worthy of a ballsack burning. If there is anything to be said about liberals, is that they sure can pick 'em! THIS is the "conscience" of the democratic party. Mr. Conscience who was caught cheating on exams at Harvard. Mr. Conscience who got drunk, killed Mary Jo Kopechne, and got away with it due to his influence. There's more (of course) but enough said. Here's why he's an asshole: his quote "Do we operate under a system of equal justice under law?Or is there one system for the average citizen and another for the high and mighty?" in 1973. Fucking schmuck!

* Rod Blagojevich: Floyd tends to hate anyone named Rod. They usually live up to their name. The undistiguished governor of Illinois lives up to the tradition of all famous Rods in history.









* Gloria Steinem: Bra-burner extraordinaire comes out in a 1998 New York Times op-ed and defends Bill Clinton of every perverse action a man can take against a woman. He plays grab-ass with an unwilling subordinate, Steinem said it was ok because Clinton was just being "dumb and reckless" and ultimately "took 'no' for an answer". She went on further to defend the Throbbing Cock In Chief for all of his little quirks (like not being able to keep his zipper up). That's MY kind of feminism, you fucking bitch.

* Guy Velella: Pussy little bitch. Republican attack dog, don't you know. He was trying to change legislation to make three misdemeanors in ten years be the punitive equivalent to a felony. Big Mr. Tough Guy got caught stealing. The leaking slit cried like a Catholic schoolgirl in trouble to get his reduced sentence reduced even further. Fuck you, asswipe! Stricter laws, except for you? Eat shit you fucking fuck.


* Howard Dean: The Angriest Little Democrat. Floyd could quote this asshole left and right. Dean is proof positive that Indians fucked buffalo.
* Jan Egeland: U.N. Dipshit Esquire calls the United States "stingy". What a douche! Floyd is certain his favorite band is Ace of Base.





* Senator Judd Gregg: Motherfucking cocksucking bastard child of a goat won more than $850,000 from the Powerball lottery. The assramming kitty-fucker already has between $2.5M and $9.5M in assets and he wins the fucking Powerball. FUCK!






* John Kerry: Talk about a megalomaniac - this asshole comes out in front of news cameras 27 days after Bush's inauguration and claims that the nation would be "far better off" if he were President. Asshole had the magic formula to fix all the country's problems in less than a month. It's AMAZING! Shameless douchebag.





* John Edwards: This asshole nearly made the "Sick Fucks" list for this little gem: "when John Kerry is president, people like Christopher Reeve are going to walk, get up out of that wheelchair and walk again". There is a special category of slime that this jagoff oozes.



* Al Gore Before He Lost To Bush: Where to even begin with the inventor of the internet! Swing from my pubes you ape raper!






* Al Gore After He Lost To Bush: Floyd liked this fuckstick better before!











* Bill Clinton: After eight years with this fucking asshole, weed is still fucking illegal. Goddamnit!







* Hillary Clinton: Cuntabulous! Here's a little secret, you whore-biscuit: the reason people think you're evil is because of that deal you have with the devil. Grick me with a spoon you fucking slime!






* THIS FUCKING ASSHOLE!









* Moby: The picture says it all: dick head.











* Floyd's Asshole Brother: For all of Floyd's life, there has been no pain in the crotch more irritating than this fuck. Now that he lives in Arizona, he likes to stick your nose in shit when it's cold where you live. Hope you like melanoma, dirty fuck!







* Whoopie Goldberg: If Kirstie Allie can lose 50 pounds, you can too! Unfortunately for you, there's still no cure for ugly. Ram a cactus, you fucking bitch.








* Terry McAullife: There has always been a specific name for this type of loser douchebag cocksmoker. Since the first day Floyd laid eyes on this waste of oxygen, Floyd has always referred to McAullife as a "weenie". Totally appropriate.







* Saddam Hussein: Aww, c'mon Chriaaas...

*Oliver Stone: Considering the gross nature of Stone's paranoid leftist fantasies acted out by Hollywood's hottest, I can't wait to see what this fuckball comes up with for GWB. Gotta love this review of Alexander from John Podhoretz: "It's Springtime For Hitler bad".


* George Lucas: Floyd needs not explain himself. Lucas is an ass, end of story.









* Jim Voigt: The most Christian of bloggers has quite the mouth on him when he sends email. Floyd is not quite sure which list he will fall down to (probably the Asshole list), but he's getting his propers when it comes to his ability to curse. It was the most creative use of imagery since Floyd read the phrase "man chowder". http://accountabilityisking.blogspot.com/






* Barbra Streisand: The only thing that sucks more than her music is her political opinion. Lick ass, bitch!






* Rosie O'Donnell: Repugnant. Enough said.








* Pat Robertson: When Floyd wants your opinion, he'll give it to you. What a complete and worthless pile of ant shit. When this jizz-guzzler finally croaks, and the week-long celebration on earth is over, Floyd imagines he'll be wearing out his cornhole with Saddam's gay lover.



* Janeane Garofalo: Holy FUCK! Was Floyd attracted to this godforsaken beast at a point in his life???? Scratch out his fucking eyeballs right now!!









* Alec Baldwin: Do you graze at the same stable as Garth Brooks?











*Mayor Ray Nagin: Crybaby pussy dirty river rat. Floyd invites you to eat his asshole, you cum bucket!









* Maddox: Some people will just never understand how much cock pirates suck. Don't believe Floyd? Just have a look at the mountains of latent homosexuality: http://maddox.xmission.com/






* Scott Peterson: What a dumb fuck! Laci was HOT and Amber is bile. Now you'll ride the lightning and none of us will miss you. You're too fucking pathetic to be on the Sick Fuck list.









Assholes Floyd hasn't gotten to yet:

* Sheila Jackson Lee

* Randall Robinson

* Ingrid Newkirk

* Robert Byrd

* Maxine Waters

* Jim McDermott

* Julian Bond

* Judge Roy Moore

* George Soros

* Al Sharpton

* Ralph Neas

* Margaret Marshall

* Jesse Jackson

* Stephanie Tubbs Jones

* Barbara Boxer

* Joe Biden

Sick Fucks

* Dr. Martin Haskell: Thank you, sick fuck, for pioneering partial-birth abortion. Thank you also for decribing the proceedure (shoving a pair of scissors into the skull of a baby, sucking it's brains out and collapsing it's skull) as though they were stereo instructions. Floyd wishes the worst case of herpes to fall upon your mother. It pales in comparison to what Satan will do to you, but it's something.

* James Kopp: Why sick fuck and not just asshole? This dumbfuck is a "pro-life" supporter. He is offended by the practice of abortion. How does he fight against this practice that he sees as murder? He kills a doctor. Killing because you are offended by murder is like fucking for virginity.






* Osama bin-Laden: Can you imagine what this sick fuck's parents must have done to him? Floyd bets that Daddy was intimate.






The Pope Family of Cincinnati, Ohio: Welcome to the Sick Fucks list. Johannas Pope died in August of 2003. She, being an idiot, was convinced that she would come back from the dead. Her caregiver and family, also being idiots, thought so too. So, they sat her dead body in an upstairs room and turned on the AC. She was found in front of a television, presumably to further her moronic tendencies in case she came back. The Pope family, knowing that Johannas was dead upstairs, continued to live in the house. The coroner said that the AC running nonstop allowed the body to slowly mummify. What in the bloody fuck?

* David Duke: There's a special place in hell for you, fucker. Floyd thinks it's something like where you have to be a personal servant for a black Jew who fucks your mother daily, but only when your daddy isn't sucking his cock.







* Every Last Motherfucker Credited With This Pile Of Filth: The only thing worse than watching this movie is an icepick to the scrotum. Just barely.





* The demented bitch at TSA that wanted to sniff Floyd's panties: Seriously! Floyd knows you bitches all want some, but PLEASE! Give a man his fucking dignity at the airport for Christ sake! You can suck Floyd's cock in private!




* Any asshole that emails chain letters: Seriously, do you think you're deeper because you send these messages you didn't write to other people who have (a) already seen it seventeen million times or (b) couldn't give a fuck what you think? For fuck sake! Just go and drive right off an embankment, because humanity has no more use for you.

In General, Shit That Sucks

* Floyd's Readers: You fuckers all suck. Floyd can't even remember the last time he saw hate mail. Eat a booger.




* Jihadists: Fuck PC, folks. Radical Muslims (percentage of all Muslims?) want Floyd dead. They’re willing to kill themselves in order to make Floyd dead. This is BEFORE they read anything Floyd writes. This is BEFORE Floyd's opinion offends them. This is BEFORE Floyd's language offends them. This is BEFORE Floyd laughs at them while they are naked pig-piled for cameras, and then queef like little pussies about it. All is good with Allah when the fucker is slicing the head off Floyd's neighbor, sure! But after they are captured, and are forced to expose their genitals in front of (gasp) women and (heavy sigh) a camera and (snicker) several of his sick-fuck asshole terrorist buddies, suddenly morality is a major issue to these fucking jagoff douchebags. Not that Floyd needs to defend himself to you douchebags, but Floyd wants to be very clear about this: Floyd's opinion is not that naked pig-piling terrorists is acceptable. It’s amusing to an asshole like Floyd, but that’s why he's not in charge of military operations. This is not the way America wants to see our armed forces treating prisoners, even the most foul of offenders. Nonetheless, asshole terrorist fucks are still assholes for crying foul on this, considering the horrors they have inflicted upon legitimately innocent victims. The more innocent the victim, the prouder these assholes seem to be.

* Trick or Treaters: This is all Floyd needs in life: a day where all the bastard neighborhood fuckface pain-in-the-browneye kids put on their $2.99 shitty Wal-Mart costumes and beg for candy. All the other days of the year, these booger-eaters do absolutely nothing for Floyd. Then, they come and demand candy. Try and give Bratley something healthy instead of candy and they come back later to demolish your personal property. If there is one day a year Floyd wishes he were a convicted sex offender, it would be Halloween.

* Asshole Parents That Ignore Their Obnoxious Kids: This one is pretty simple, folks. If your little Brutus P. Snotley is prone to throw shit fits, DON'T TAKE THEM ON A LATE FLIGHT. Perhaps Floyd was more interested in sleeping than listening to your fucking brat screech for over three motherfucking hours! Fuck a duck!

* Clowns: Floyd fucking hates clowns.









* Conspiracy Theorists: FDR orchestrated the attack on Pearl Harbor; GWB flew the 9/11 planes by remote control; JFK wasn't shot, he was abducted by aliens; Bill Clinton didn't really fuck his intern with a cigar; etc. Remove the tin foil cap from thy head, and then remove thy head from thy ass. Fuckwads!


* The Rat That Ate Florida: Fuck Disney with a stick!








* Mean Little Doggies: An easy rule of thumb is this: if the dog is the size of a football, then you should punt it. Any smaller than a football, name it Appetizer.









* L'Equipe: What the fuck! Let's just include all the vermin known as the French while we're at it. You smelly fuckers are going to fertilize your own shitty vineyards when the next nation decides to march in on you. Go fuck yourself with a baseball bat if you think one penny of Floyd's money will go towards saving your worthless cunts.

* Anyone Claiming The Media Is Right-Wing Biased: 100 percent pure unadulterated excrement. It’s difficult enough to deal with the moronic argument about whether the media gives conservatives a fair shake (they don’t) or whether the media gives liberals massive leeway (they do). Facts don’t support the claims of the left on this one. Sorry, but you fuckers have the benefit of both news and entertainment outlets to disseminate your ideals and you’re still losing elections. Eat shit.

* Any Dumbfuck That Tells Floyd His Gun Should Be Illegal: When it comes to gun control, Floyd always says "if Hitler wanted it, then it must be good". That's right, you commie-pinko-douchebag-hippie-stinking fucks: Hitler wanted gun control just like you. When you are all done lapping up the sweat from Floyd's ballsack, you might think closely about finishing up with Floyd's asshole, you Nazi fucking bastards.

* Celebrity Poker: What use does Floyd have for watching washed-up actors raising money for worthless idiot charities? Like Floyd really gives a rat fuck if Penny Marshall wants to make an ass of herself with a double ended dildo so that the poor children of Manhattan can have drama class!


* Discovery Channel: What sick fuck at this network made the decision to air "Face Eating Tumor"? Isn't it hard enough to have to look at Rosie O'Donnell on television? Must we see this horrific shit too? Christ!




* Texas Courts: Let's all give the dumbfucks in the Texas judicial system a big round of applause for their royal dipshit move. In 2001, Andrea Yates took her five children and drowned them one by one. Let's not trivialize this: she drowned 7-year-old Noah. She drowned 5-year-old John. She drowned 3-year-old Paul. She drowned 2-year-old Luke. She drowned 6-month-old Mary. She did this one at a time. At her trial, she pleaded insanity because she thought she was a bad mother. Guess what, you sick fucking bitch - you were right! This is the admitted slaughter of her own five children. So, how did the Texas courts do? In 2002 they were able to convict her on two counts of capital murder for the deaths of three of the five children. If anyone out there is an accountant, can you please explain this fucking bullshit to Floyd? Never mind - she was convicted of two, so she can go and ride the lightning. Wait! Not so, not anymore. The Texas courts in their infinite fucking wisdom have just thrown out the 2002 convictions. What in the bloody fuck is going on in Texas? Jesus F. Christ on a popsicle stick!

* Vegetarians: Fucking morons. Like it or not, humans are carnivores. That's what these teeth are for, you half-wits. Suck on kelp, fuckers.






* Assrammers That Become Clark Griswold At Christmas: Floyd can't sleep with all those fucking lights burning! Get a new hobby, like self-mutilation!





* Jerkoff Losers Who Type In All Capitals: Otherwise known as Caps Fucks. YO! MOTHERFUCKER! IT'S THE KEY TO THE LEFT OF YOUR "A" KEY. You know, "A" as in "asswipe"? Fucking tool!

*Anyone that says "dude" more than once in a sentence and/or anyone that cannot speak more than two sentences without saying "dude": Check it, fuckers: ugly people had their chance to get laid in the 60s. It's over for you, filthy animals! Get out of Floyd's politics, you fucking perverted, braindead assrammers!

* Anyone Who Says "It's All Good": Jege has provided Floyd with a decent description of this type of suck-ass: "cuntsmack motherfuckers". Floyd agrees.










* Liberal Activists: If Floyd has to hear one more sandpaper-pussy queef on about whales that need saving or the detestable living conditions of the Chilean Fruit Bat, he will go mental. Floyd owns firearms and is just about ready to use them.



* Bush-Hating-Soccer-Moms: Get a fucking job already!









* Loser Has-Beens: a Red-Cross/Salvation Army concert was broadcast tonight for the victims of Hurricane Katrina. Garth Brooks came out and completely decimated the Creedence Clearwater Classic "Who'll Stop The Rain". Floyd found himself asking "Who'll Stop The Shotgun-Wielding Pickup-Truck-Driving Cousin-Fucker From Botching A Classic Rock Legacy"? Then Floyd found himself asking "Was This Fat Fuck REALLY Popular At Some Point"? Then, Floyd saw something shiny on the floor and lost interest with these worthless fucks.



* Shitty Little Convenience Stores: Floyd thinks that Dave Chappelle called them Bodegas. Pictured here is an actual product Floyd felt it necessary to purchase. What in the bloody fuck does a baby have to do with Fish Sauce? Floyd prefers to think of this product as Baby Sauce and will use it on the next baby he char broils for dinner.

People Who Don’t Suck

* Jesus Christ: “The Savior”. Before you start freaking out about how an uncouth and filthy asshole like Floyd could bring up such a person, stop for a moment and shut the fuck up. Floyd's religious beliefs are irrelevant to why Jesus Christ doesn’t suck. Either way (he is the savior of mankind or he was a guy crucified for his beliefs), he had a message that was covered extensively in the New Testament. The message was peace, love and understanding. Considering the time it came from, it was certainly a bold message to carry. Whether he was literally the son of God (aren’t we all supposed to be the sons and daughters of God?) or he was just a guy with a message of peace, he was willing to die a horrific death for his message (not taking anyone with him, mind you). All we have to go by regarding the man are the ancient (and translated) scrolls, none of which were written by the actual man we discuss. Regardless of all else, the message from the man is positive. What other people do with his message seems to be what some people get themselves all in a tizzy about.

* Siddhartha Gautama: “The Buddha”. This man claimed no divine status for himself, nor did he assert that he was inspired by any god. He claimed to be a teacher to guide those who chose to listen, rather than a personal savior. Gautama Buddha stated that there is no intermediary between mankind and the divine; distant spirits and gods are themselves subject to karma. The Buddha is solely an exemplar, guide, and teacher for those sentient beings who must tread the path themselves, attain spiritual awakening, and see truth and reality as they are.

* Floyd's wife: ha, ha, ha. Seriously, though…

Why does the bride smile when she walks down the isle? Because she knows she's given her last blowjob.
* Emily Lein: Emily was on both Asshole and Not Asshole lists, but today Floyd needed to consolidate. Today, Floyd saw her picture with the most excellent of T-shirts. This in combination with the pillow that she made puts her squarely on the People Who Don't Suck list. All is forgiven for the whole "meowing" quote on Brainyquote. Rock on, bizatch!

* J.D.V.: “The Guy That Brought The Doritos”. A friend of Floyd's for ages. Beyond all extensive history of support, friendship and INSANE tolerance of Floyd's behavior, status on this list is solely for the following quote: “So... do you become a Republican because you're rich, or do you become rich because you think like a Republican?” You go, girlfriend!




* S.M.R.: “Someone Threw Up Over There”. Getting an idea of the people Floyd hangs out with yet? Anyway, this feller here has permanent residency on Floyd's published “People Who Don’t Suck” list as well as the unpublished “People Who Totally Rock” list. This is someone who Floyd has been writing and performing original music with for the better part of a decade. Floyd has no prouder accomplishment in life than the music created with this gentleman along with D.L.M. and Rob (not on the Doesn’t Suck list because we have video of Rob sucking...)

* Tribute To Jege: Floyd told his wife tonight to purchase something both stupid and useless for Floyd. So, she went out shopping and came home with magnetic letters. Of course, the term "Fuckity Fuck McFuckerson" was the first to hit the fridge.





* D.L.M.: “Put Your Pants On”. Co-conspirator with Floyd, S.M.R. and Rob. While Rob sucked and Floyd was a self-admitted asshole, D.L.M. managed to help us all make some pretty cool music. In the process, he helped at least four other amateur musicians realize their ability to not only write, but also produce music. D.L.M. will always known to be synonymous with incredible music and flawless production, but D.L.M. also passed along a legend of greatness to a handful of people that are currently passing that legend along to some others. D.L.M. also has permanent residency on the unpublished “People Who Kick Ass” list. And that's just how that mother fucker rolls, G!

* The East Coast Gem: "You Know You Want To Touch Me". Hottie. What more can Floyd say?











* Warwick Tommy: "I Kick So Much Ass". When some little douchebag comes along and fucks up people's computers, Tommy fixes it fast, then he hunts the fuckers down and beats the ever-loving piss out of them.





* Mendon Jon: "Rvvvrd raaah reeevra". OK, he can't hold his booze, but he's still ok in Floyd's book.
* Anne R. Key: A mighty fine lady if you ask Floyd. Irreverent and bold. We are amused, too. http://annerkey.blogspot.com/










* Keith: Picture should say volumes.












* Desiree: This chick is OK in Floyd's book. She holds the record for the longest conversation with a stranger about cleavage with Floyd. Below is the link to her blog. Floyd cannot guarantee she will discuss her titties with you as she has with Floyd, but its worth a try: http://randomthoughts2005.blogspot.com/

* Jege: "Fuckity Fuck McFuckerson". Enough said! If you don't agree that phrase is pure genius, then go shoot yourself in the face right now. You're useless and just mucking up the gene pool. See her shitty liberal site here: http://leingirlz3.blogspot.com/




* Thomas: "I'm A Fucking Moderate, For God's Sake". Floyd isn't totally sure about this one, but guesses that he should give him a chance. Mr. Moderation doesn't like many Republicans right now, but for argument's sake, Floyd will say that he doesn't completely and totally suck. Let your mind numb to his leftist, Marxist, completely unmoderate dribble here: http://slackerswithadvanceddegrees.blogspot.com