Monday, September 12, 2005

Specifically, People Who Are Assholes

* Floyd: Yeah, sure, fine. Floyd is an asshole, Floyd should be ashamed, Floyd should shower more, etc.










*A.L.R.: She's still getting top billing under Floyd. She finally contacted Floyd and her suggestion was Floyd. Some people apparently can't read. Here is her hate mail:

Hey there, Floyd, you sick son of a bastard. This is A.L.H., and I've just gotten home from a long day of pissing in the middle of the street. It makes me want to drink beer. YAY BEER!! Listen, I've got someone you can add to your Asshole List. His name is Floyd. He's a short, fat, white, married (read: whipped) guy. He has this crazy idea that it's okay to let you post a picture of my road-pissing at the top of your asshole list, and I suggest that you give him top billing for a while. This man is fucking insane. If he weren't one of my best friends, I'd do everything in my power to have this saber-tooth crotch cricket institutionalized. God knows Floyd's wife could use a break! And, by the way, there's nothing wrong with squatting in the middle of a highly traveled roadway. You should try it some time. It's highly underrated. Now, take me off of your fucking assholes list! I expect to be promoted to the PEOPLE WHO DON'T SUCK list immediately. You do realize, don't you, that I am taking time out of my busy wedding-planning schedule (8 days and counting!!) to submit this nomination. I suggest you honor my wishes and do as I say, or there will be hell to pay, my friend. Sincerely, Road-Pissing A.L.H. (soon to be A.L.R. - and it's not fair that you have my husband-to-be on the people who don't suck list, and I'm stuck up there with all of the bungee-jumping twat monsters like John Kerry. I demand RESPECT, dammit!!!)

* George W. Bush: That’s right, fuckers. And Floyd isn't kidding either. After the horrific display from the left following the 2000 election, you would think this asshole might get a clue that a competent PR guy can do wonders with your public image, AND YOU’RE GOING TO NEED ALL THE HELP YOU CAN GET! Wake the fuck up, already!





* Tedward Kennedy: Total and complete douchebag slimey fuck worthy of a ballsack burning. If there is anything to be said about liberals, is that they sure can pick 'em! THIS is the "conscience" of the democratic party. Mr. Conscience who was caught cheating on exams at Harvard. Mr. Conscience who got drunk, killed Mary Jo Kopechne, and got away with it due to his influence. There's more (of course) but enough said. Here's why he's an asshole: his quote "Do we operate under a system of equal justice under law?Or is there one system for the average citizen and another for the high and mighty?" in 1973. Fucking schmuck!

* Rod Blagojevich: Floyd tends to hate anyone named Rod. They usually live up to their name. The undistiguished governor of Illinois lives up to the tradition of all famous Rods in history.









* Gloria Steinem: Bra-burner extraordinaire comes out in a 1998 New York Times op-ed and defends Bill Clinton of every perverse action a man can take against a woman. He plays grab-ass with an unwilling subordinate, Steinem said it was ok because Clinton was just being "dumb and reckless" and ultimately "took 'no' for an answer". She went on further to defend the Throbbing Cock In Chief for all of his little quirks (like not being able to keep his zipper up). That's MY kind of feminism, you fucking bitch.

* Guy Velella: Pussy little bitch. Republican attack dog, don't you know. He was trying to change legislation to make three misdemeanors in ten years be the punitive equivalent to a felony. Big Mr. Tough Guy got caught stealing. The leaking slit cried like a Catholic schoolgirl in trouble to get his reduced sentence reduced even further. Fuck you, asswipe! Stricter laws, except for you? Eat shit you fucking fuck.


* Howard Dean: The Angriest Little Democrat. Floyd could quote this asshole left and right. Dean is proof positive that Indians fucked buffalo.
* Jan Egeland: U.N. Dipshit Esquire calls the United States "stingy". What a douche! Floyd is certain his favorite band is Ace of Base.





* Senator Judd Gregg: Motherfucking cocksucking bastard child of a goat won more than $850,000 from the Powerball lottery. The assramming kitty-fucker already has between $2.5M and $9.5M in assets and he wins the fucking Powerball. FUCK!






* John Kerry: Talk about a megalomaniac - this asshole comes out in front of news cameras 27 days after Bush's inauguration and claims that the nation would be "far better off" if he were President. Asshole had the magic formula to fix all the country's problems in less than a month. It's AMAZING! Shameless douchebag.





* John Edwards: This asshole nearly made the "Sick Fucks" list for this little gem: "when John Kerry is president, people like Christopher Reeve are going to walk, get up out of that wheelchair and walk again". There is a special category of slime that this jagoff oozes.



* Al Gore Before He Lost To Bush: Where to even begin with the inventor of the internet! Swing from my pubes you ape raper!






* Al Gore After He Lost To Bush: Floyd liked this fuckstick better before!











* Bill Clinton: After eight years with this fucking asshole, weed is still fucking illegal. Goddamnit!







* Hillary Clinton: Cuntabulous! Here's a little secret, you whore-biscuit: the reason people think you're evil is because of that deal you have with the devil. Grick me with a spoon you fucking slime!






* THIS FUCKING ASSHOLE!









* Moby: The picture says it all: dick head.











* Floyd's Asshole Brother: For all of Floyd's life, there has been no pain in the crotch more irritating than this fuck. Now that he lives in Arizona, he likes to stick your nose in shit when it's cold where you live. Hope you like melanoma, dirty fuck!







* Whoopie Goldberg: If Kirstie Allie can lose 50 pounds, you can too! Unfortunately for you, there's still no cure for ugly. Ram a cactus, you fucking bitch.








* Terry McAullife: There has always been a specific name for this type of loser douchebag cocksmoker. Since the first day Floyd laid eyes on this waste of oxygen, Floyd has always referred to McAullife as a "weenie". Totally appropriate.







* Saddam Hussein: Aww, c'mon Chriaaas...

*Oliver Stone: Considering the gross nature of Stone's paranoid leftist fantasies acted out by Hollywood's hottest, I can't wait to see what this fuckball comes up with for GWB. Gotta love this review of Alexander from John Podhoretz: "It's Springtime For Hitler bad".


* George Lucas: Floyd needs not explain himself. Lucas is an ass, end of story.









* Jim Voigt: The most Christian of bloggers has quite the mouth on him when he sends email. Floyd is not quite sure which list he will fall down to (probably the Asshole list), but he's getting his propers when it comes to his ability to curse. It was the most creative use of imagery since Floyd read the phrase "man chowder". http://accountabilityisking.blogspot.com/






* Barbra Streisand: The only thing that sucks more than her music is her political opinion. Lick ass, bitch!






* Rosie O'Donnell: Repugnant. Enough said.








* Pat Robertson: When Floyd wants your opinion, he'll give it to you. What a complete and worthless pile of ant shit. When this jizz-guzzler finally croaks, and the week-long celebration on earth is over, Floyd imagines he'll be wearing out his cornhole with Saddam's gay lover.



* Janeane Garofalo: Holy FUCK! Was Floyd attracted to this godforsaken beast at a point in his life???? Scratch out his fucking eyeballs right now!!









* Alec Baldwin: Do you graze at the same stable as Garth Brooks?











*Mayor Ray Nagin: Crybaby pussy dirty river rat. Floyd invites you to eat his asshole, you cum bucket!









* Maddox: Some people will just never understand how much cock pirates suck. Don't believe Floyd? Just have a look at the mountains of latent homosexuality: http://maddox.xmission.com/






* Scott Peterson: What a dumb fuck! Laci was HOT and Amber is bile. Now you'll ride the lightning and none of us will miss you. You're too fucking pathetic to be on the Sick Fuck list.









Assholes Floyd hasn't gotten to yet:

* Sheila Jackson Lee

* Randall Robinson

* Ingrid Newkirk

* Robert Byrd

* Maxine Waters

* Jim McDermott

* Julian Bond

* Judge Roy Moore

* George Soros

* Al Sharpton

* Ralph Neas

* Margaret Marshall

* Jesse Jackson

* Stephanie Tubbs Jones

* Barbara Boxer

* Joe Biden

Sunday, September 11, 2005

Sick Fucks

* Dr. Martin Haskell: Thank you, sick fuck, for pioneering partial-birth abortion. Thank you also for decribing the proceedure (shoving a pair of scissors into the skull of a baby, sucking it's brains out and collapsing it's skull) as though they were stereo instructions. Floyd wishes the worst case of herpes to fall upon your mother. It pales in comparison to what Satan will do to you, but it's something.

* James Kopp: Why sick fuck and not just asshole? This dumbfuck is a "pro-life" supporter. He is offended by the practice of abortion. How does he fight against this practice that he sees as murder? He kills a doctor. Killing because you are offended by murder is like fucking for virginity.






* Osama bin-Laden: Can you imagine what this sick fuck's parents must have done to him? Floyd bets that Daddy was intimate.






The Pope Family of Cincinnati, Ohio: Welcome to the Sick Fucks list. Johannas Pope died in August of 2003. She, being an idiot, was convinced that she would come back from the dead. Her caregiver and family, also being idiots, thought so too. So, they sat her dead body in an upstairs room and turned on the AC. She was found in front of a television, presumably to further her moronic tendencies in case she came back. The Pope family, knowing that Johannas was dead upstairs, continued to live in the house. The coroner said that the AC running nonstop allowed the body to slowly mummify. What in the bloody fuck?

* David Duke: There's a special place in hell for you, fucker. Floyd thinks it's something like where you have to be a personal servant for a black Jew who fucks your mother daily, but only when your daddy isn't sucking his cock.







* Every Last Motherfucker Credited With This Pile Of Filth: The only thing worse than watching this movie is an icepick to the scrotum. Just barely.





* The demented bitch at TSA that wanted to sniff Floyd's panties: Seriously! Floyd knows you bitches all want some, but PLEASE! Give a man his fucking dignity at the airport for Christ sake! You can suck Floyd's cock in private!




* Any asshole that emails chain letters: Seriously, do you think you're deeper because you send these messages you didn't write to other people who have (a) already seen it seventeen million times or (b) couldn't give a fuck what you think? For fuck sake! Just go and drive right off an embankment, because humanity has no more use for you.



Saturday, September 10, 2005

In General, Shit That Sucks

* Floyd's Readers: You fuckers all suck. Floyd can't even remember the last time he saw hate mail. Eat a booger.




* Jihadists: Fuck PC, folks. Radical Muslims (percentage of all Muslims?) want Floyd dead. They’re willing to kill themselves in order to make Floyd dead. This is BEFORE they read anything Floyd writes. This is BEFORE Floyd's opinion offends them. This is BEFORE Floyd's language offends them. This is BEFORE Floyd laughs at them while they are naked pig-piled for cameras, and then queef like little pussies about it. All is good with Allah when the fucker is slicing the head off Floyd's neighbor, sure! But after they are captured, and are forced to expose their genitals in front of (gasp) women and (heavy sigh) a camera and (snicker) several of his sick-fuck asshole terrorist buddies, suddenly morality is a major issue to these fucking jagoff douchebags. Not that Floyd needs to defend himself to you douchebags, but Floyd wants to be very clear about this: Floyd's opinion is not that naked pig-piling terrorists is acceptable. It’s amusing to an asshole like Floyd, but that’s why he's not in charge of military operations. This is not the way America wants to see our armed forces treating prisoners, even the most foul of offenders. Nonetheless, asshole terrorist fucks are still assholes for crying foul on this, considering the horrors they have inflicted upon legitimately innocent victims. The more innocent the victim, the prouder these assholes seem to be.

* Trick or Treaters: This is all Floyd needs in life: a day where all the bastard neighborhood fuckface pain-in-the-browneye kids put on their $2.99 shitty Wal-Mart costumes and beg for candy. All the other days of the year, these booger-eaters do absolutely nothing for Floyd. Then, they come and demand candy. Try and give Bratley something healthy instead of candy and they come back later to demolish your personal property. If there is one day a year Floyd wishes he were a convicted sex offender, it would be Halloween.

* Asshole Parents That Ignore Their Obnoxious Kids: This one is pretty simple, folks. If your little Brutus P. Snotley is prone to throw shit fits, DON'T TAKE THEM ON A LATE FLIGHT. Perhaps Floyd was more interested in sleeping than listening to your fucking brat screech for over three motherfucking hours! Fuck a duck!

* Clowns: Floyd fucking hates clowns.









* Conspiracy Theorists: FDR orchestrated the attack on Pearl Harbor; GWB flew the 9/11 planes by remote control; JFK wasn't shot, he was abducted by aliens; Bill Clinton didn't really fuck his intern with a cigar; etc. Remove the tin foil cap from thy head, and then remove thy head from thy ass. Fuckwads!


* The Rat That Ate Florida: Fuck Disney with a stick!








* Mean Little Doggies: An easy rule of thumb is this: if the dog is the size of a football, then you should punt it. Any smaller than a football, name it Appetizer.









* L'Equipe: What the fuck! Let's just include all the vermin known as the French while we're at it. You smelly fuckers are going to fertilize your own shitty vineyards when the next nation decides to march in on you. Go fuck yourself with a baseball bat if you think one penny of Floyd's money will go towards saving your worthless cunts.

* Anyone Claiming The Media Is Right-Wing Biased: 100 percent pure unadulterated excrement. It’s difficult enough to deal with the moronic argument about whether the media gives conservatives a fair shake (they don’t) or whether the media gives liberals massive leeway (they do). Facts don’t support the claims of the left on this one. Sorry, but you fuckers have the benefit of both news and entertainment outlets to disseminate your ideals and you’re still losing elections. Eat shit.

* Any Dumbfuck That Tells Floyd His Gun Should Be Illegal: When it comes to gun control, Floyd always says "if Hitler wanted it, then it must be good". That's right, you commie-pinko-douchebag-hippie-stinking fucks: Hitler wanted gun control just like you. When you are all done lapping up the sweat from Floyd's ballsack, you might think closely about finishing up with Floyd's asshole, you Nazi fucking bastards.

* Celebrity Poker: What use does Floyd have for watching washed-up actors raising money for worthless idiot charities? Like Floyd really gives a rat fuck if Penny Marshall wants to make an ass of herself with a double ended dildo so that the poor children of Manhattan can have drama class!


* Discovery Channel: What sick fuck at this network made the decision to air "Face Eating Tumor"? Isn't it hard enough to have to look at Rosie O'Donnell on television? Must we see this horrific shit too? Christ!




* Texas Courts: Let's all give the dumbfucks in the Texas judicial system a big round of applause for their royal dipshit move. In 2001, Andrea Yates took her five children and drowned them one by one. Let's not trivialize this: she drowned 7-year-old Noah. She drowned 5-year-old John. She drowned 3-year-old Paul. She drowned 2-year-old Luke. She drowned 6-month-old Mary. She did this one at a time. At her trial, she pleaded insanity because she thought she was a bad mother. Guess what, you sick fucking bitch - you were right! This is the admitted slaughter of her own five children. So, how did the Texas courts do? In 2002 they were able to convict her on two counts of capital murder for the deaths of three of the five children. If anyone out there is an accountant, can you please explain this fucking bullshit to Floyd? Never mind - she was convicted of two, so she can go and ride the lightning. Wait! Not so, not anymore. The Texas courts in their infinite fucking wisdom have just thrown out the 2002 convictions. What in the bloody fuck is going on in Texas? Jesus F. Christ on a popsicle stick!

* Vegetarians: Fucking morons. Like it or not, humans are carnivores. That's what these teeth are for, you half-wits. Suck on kelp, fuckers.






* Assrammers That Become Clark Griswold At Christmas: Floyd can't sleep with all those fucking lights burning! Get a new hobby, like self-mutilation!





* Jerkoff Losers Who Type In All Capitals: Otherwise known as Caps Fucks. YO! MOTHERFUCKER! IT'S THE KEY TO THE LEFT OF YOUR "A" KEY. You know, "A" as in "asswipe"? Fucking tool!

*Anyone that says "dude" more than once in a sentence and/or anyone that cannot speak more than two sentences without saying "dude": Check it, fuckers: ugly people had their chance to get laid in the 60s. It's over for you, filthy animals! Get out of Floyd's politics, you fucking perverted, braindead assrammers!

* Anyone Who Says "It's All Good": Jege has provided Floyd with a decent description of this type of suck-ass: "cuntsmack motherfuckers". Floyd agrees.










* Liberal Activists: If Floyd has to hear one more sandpaper-pussy queef on about whales that need saving or the detestable living conditions of the Chilean Fruit Bat, he will go mental. Floyd owns firearms and is just about ready to use them.



* Bush-Hating-Soccer-Moms: Get a fucking job already!









* Loser Has-Beens: a Red-Cross/Salvation Army concert was broadcast tonight for the victims of Hurricane Katrina. Garth Brooks came out and completely decimated the Creedence Clearwater Classic "Who'll Stop The Rain". Floyd found himself asking "Who'll Stop The Shotgun-Wielding Pickup-Truck-Driving Cousin-Fucker From Botching A Classic Rock Legacy"? Then Floyd found himself asking "Was This Fat Fuck REALLY Popular At Some Point"? Then, Floyd saw something shiny on the floor and lost interest with these worthless fucks.



* Shitty Little Convenience Stores: Floyd thinks that Dave Chappelle called them Bodegas. Pictured here is an actual product Floyd felt it necessary to purchase. What in the bloody fuck does a baby have to do with Fish Sauce? Floyd prefers to think of this product as Baby Sauce and will use it on the next baby he char broils for dinner.