Floyd's Christmas

‘Twas the night before Christmas and all through the apartment

All the bastard children were preparing for disappointment

Security bars on the windows were affixed with care

To prevent a break-in, Saint Nicholas wouldn’t fucking dare

The little fuckers were nestled all snug in their cots

While the gangrene in their toes continued to rot

And mamma with her Beretta and I with my Glock

Just took off our clothes so she could polish my cock

When out in the lot there arose such a clatter

I loaded my Glock in hopes of a splatter

Away to the window, I ducked for cover

It better not be mamma’s bitch-ass lover

The security lights on the trampled dirty snow

Would give blood splatters a neon-like glow

When what to my bloodshot eyes should appear

Fucking cops

The fattest one all lumpy and gross

The doughnut shop’s Christmas party, he must have been host

Lethargic as hell and worthless as fuck

He didn’t bother to chase anyone stealing my truck.

“Now hold it right there, don’t make a move”

“I’ll shoot your ass, don’t make me prove”

Like that would work, sure! They ran like hell

Fatty just sighed and said “oh well”

But while he was fucking around with the crooks

Old Saint Nick was baiting his hooks

So up to the rooftop he did scale

With all of his tools and covering his trail

And then all the sudden I heard at my door

“Delivery, sir. From the first floor”

Picture courtesy of Jege

As I drew my gat and was turning around

Down came my door with a thunderous sound

He was dressed all in fur from an animal’s hide

And he was hard to shoot, moving side to side

A bundle of loot he had flung on his back

From earlier thefts he stuffed in his sack

His eyes were bloodshot from a night of drinking

His breath was like dogshit, some serious stinking

His droll little mouth was dripping with drool

And the beard of his chin was the color of my stool

The glass of the crackpipe he held in his teeth

Was as green as my fake-ass Wal-Mart wreath

He had a drawn face and a saggy belly

He was nasty, worthless, stanky and smelly

A twitch of his eye and a twist of his head

Let me know I should shoot his ass dead

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work

Stealing my shit, what a fucking jerk

After snorting some coke right up his nose

Something in his pants arose

He ran to the door with all my shit

So I shot him in the face.

Merry fucking Christmas, bitches